I was raised in a christian home.
I can't quite remember an isolated day or time when I made a solid decision to follow Christ, but I have always believed.
I have lived my life in pursuit of Him.
The end.
See what I mean? If you were expecting a "Saul-to-Paul" experience, you would not find it here.
In October 2015, I attended The Gather Project, a gathering of local woman in pursuit of Jesus, worship, and community. It was a beautiful night of authentic worship and I heard heartfelt testimonies of women that had said "Here I am Lord. I want You...nothing more, nothing less." One speaker in particular resonated heavily with me. She told God that she wanted more Jesus, no matter what that entailed. What happened afterwards was a series of events that she did not expect, but God used that very thing to grow her dependence on Him. Her story changed my life in ways she will never know.
The next morning during my quiet time, I wrote this in my journal:
10-9-2015
I am a wreck this morning. Last night was a beautiful night of worship and community. I walked away as if it were just another service, but this morning I can't stop thinking of the topic: Say yes to Jesus.
As I reflect on the stories I heard and I read about Jesus washing the disciples' feet, something is clicking and stirring within me. Jesus, Son of GOD, had no problem getting in the lowliest position of servant because he knew who he was and whose he was. He exemplified that greatness in God comes in the form of humility. The women last night had prayed to live radically for Christ and then found their "greatness" in ways they did not expect, sometimes bringing discomfort and suffering with it.
I have been so wrapped up in trying to figure out what great thing(s) I can do for Jesus that I forgot that this greatness will come in form of humbling myself to the lowliest place. My greatness may be found in something I may not want to do because it will be uncomfortable, scary, and hard work.
I don't know what my "greatness" will look like. But I know one thing: I want Jesus. I want His desires. I want to withhold nothing, just as Jesus withheld nothing on earth.
I am ready to die to the desires of this life. I want Jesus. I want that greatness, and I am ready for that position of humility before Him. I want to say "yes".
Walk me through this, Lord.
God was preparing my heart to accept the path I would find almost a year later.
On New Year's Eve, just a few months later, I was reflecting on the past year and thinking about what 2016 would look like. I thought about a book that had been sitting on my shelf for almost 6 months that I was quite frankly terrified to read: Anything by Jennie Allen. The book is all about saying "God, I will do anything, whatever that means, whatever that brings. I want Jesus." I adopt a theme every year, and I felt a pull in my heart to make 2016 my year of "Anything". I reflected in my journal:
Moving forward in 2016, I have adopted a theme. This one scares me.
I am going to read "Anything" by Jennie Allen. And that is my hope for 2016.
Anything.
God, I will do anything.
This prayer is frightening. I think of a Bible study I did 2 years ago that posed the question...Can you trust a God that may allow you to suffer?
It is frightening.
But...I am ready. Even if I am not, I choose to jump in with both feet.
Anything.
I knew that praying that prayer would put things in motion that may be surprising. I knew that God would answer some of the questions I had been battling for 2 years:
God, are you really enough?
Are you really, truly "good"?
Are you real?
As I reflected back in my journals of 2014-2015, it was evident that God was preparing me for something, I was just unsure of what it was.
If I am honest, I thought God would call my husband and I into the ministry, probably uprooting our family to a mission field somewhere. I thought that would be worst case scenario.
As I read the book, I had to answer a question...What is holding you back from fully following God's will? What fear are you battling?
I had to identify, write down, and release my fear to God: I was afraid of suffering. I was afraid that the cost of "Anything" would be a price I did not want to pay. I was afraid that I would experience loss and pain.
God continued to prepare my heart for the hardest moments of my life.
That year brought the absolute last thing I would have ever imagined and the most devastating thing I have walked through: A separation from my husband of 11 years and a painful divorce the following year.
If you had asked me to identify the last thing I thought I would have to worry about, divorce would have been at the very top of my list. We were christians. We had dated for 4 years before marrying and had done everything "right". We came from good families, had 2 beautiful boys, were very active in our church and our community, and even spoke at marriage conferences. We led a small group in our home, and friends often confided in us seeking advice for their own marriages. I thought we had a solid relationship. I respected my husband and saw serving him as a way of serving God as well. Divorce didn't happen to people like me.
Until it did. The fact that I had followed Jesus, lived my life for Him, and tried to serve Him faithfully did not save me from the pain of divorce.
The details surrounding my divorce are not important. What is important is that God used the very thing I thought would destroy me to teach me so many things about His character, His provision, and His comfort.
This journey brought the very things I had feared the most and forced me to confront head-on: Suffering. Incredible pain. Loss. In a few short moments, I had lost my husband, the life that I had known, the future I thought I would have. I spent many moments crying, asking God to please take the pain away. I begged God to restore my marriage. I became a shell of my former self and was consumed by my situation. I even remember running into a friend at Target and bawling in the middle of the dollar section at the front of the store when she asked me how I was. I had never endured this type of heartache or rejection. The pain was so palpable some nights that I thought I could almost reach out and touch it.
Even in spite of the ache I felt, I remembered that prayer in the beginning of 2016 and the promise I had made. I had said "Anything", no matter what, I was going to follow God. This was when I would prove that I really believed all of the things I boldly proclaimed in the light. I decided that , like Job, I would hope in Him, even though my life was falling apart. I would rejoice in the God of my salvation, because the fact that I get to serve God is reason enough to rejoice. Even when it felt impossible, I would hope in Him and choose to believe God would use even this for my good.
I spent many days bawling on the floor of my closet demanding "Why, God?", but I chose to remain faithful and ran to the One that could change my circumstances...but even if He didn't, I was going to stay true to Him. I decided to praise the Lord through those weak moments. On those days when I couldn't even pull myself out of bed, His love drew me near and I found my comfort in Him.
What I discovered is that, while I don't believe God caused my divorce, He used the most painful moment of my life as the very foundation that grew my dependence on Him. I had walked the darkest valley, but I had not done it alone; God had been there the whole time.
He used these moments to show me that He is truly enough, because He had to be.
He IS good, even when life is not.
He is real...I know that because my life, my healing, my peace reflects something that can only be found in the Creator of the Universe.
My "Anything" was leaning into the pain and allowing God to use it to make something beautiful. My "Anything" was learning to trust God, put my faith in Him, and completely surrender my whole life to a path I hadn't anticipated. My "yes" to Jesus made my deepest pain become my greatest joy that only comes from finding my worth and value in Christ; not in man, not in a husband, not in a title or role.
I certainly have more of a story to share now. And there is so much more to be written.
"Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the field lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"
Habakkuk 3:17-18
