Hiding Among the Baggage

At the beginning of this year, I attended a Bible study to discuss the book  A Heart Like His by Beth Moore, an extensive look at the life of David.  I will admit, I went into the study thinking I knew a lot about King David:  a harp-playing shepherd boy that killed a giant using a slingshot and a stone becomes a king that had an affair with a married woman but was a man after God's own heart.  The End.  Boy, was I wrong!  There was so much I didn't know; I enjoyed digging deep into the Word to learn about this man that, in spite of his short-comings and sinfulness, completely and wholeheartedly loved and feared God.

Through this study, I became quite intrigued with King Saul, David's predecessor.  I found that I had more things in common with this man than I was willing to admit.  This man was "the most handsome man in Israel--head and shoulders taller than anyone else in the land" (I Samuel 9:2), yet struggled with self-confidence, poor self-esteem, and was very self-conscious.  Sound familiar, ladies? He was so focused and worried about what others thought of him that his focus was off God and on himself instead.

One particular passage really stuck out to me as I read about Saul.  God had revealed to Samuel the prophet that Saul was the man who would govern his people (I Samuel 9:17).  Samuel had anointed Saul and told him that the Lord had appointed him, a man from the smallest tribe, to rule over Israel.  Samuel summoned all of Israel to declare Saul king.  The bible goes into detail about the dramatic selection process, but Samuel and Saul already knew that the outcome would show that Saul would wear the crown.  When the big moment arrived to declare Saul the king, he was no where to be found.

"...and finally Saul son of Kish was chosen from among them.  But when they looked for him, he had disappeared!  So they asked the Lord, 'Where is he?'  And the Lord replied, 'He is hiding among the baggage.'" (I Samuel 10:21b-22, emphasis added).

Hiding among the baggage.  Those words kept resonating with me after I read them.  Hours after reading that passage, they continued to come back to me.  After mulling that phrase over and over, I realized that I act like Saul sometimes.  The moment I became I mother, God handed me a very important ministry: raising children (and in my case, boys) that will grow into Christ-followers.  They are my "kingdom of Israel" that He appointed and anointed me to lead.  My focus should be on God to fulfill this daunting task. I should trust that God will equip me to do what He has called and chosen me for.  However, there are so many moments during this motherhood journey that take my eyes off of God and I shift them on myself.  In these moments I find myself hiding in baggage of self doubt, stress, and lack of confidence in my ability to raise my boys.  I look at my short-comings and feel so incapable and hide.  I get anxious when a parenting issue arises and I hide.  I fear that I am royally screwing this "mom" thing up, and I hide.

Perhaps your baggage looks different from mine.  Maybe in your life, your baggage comes disguised as a busy schedule, depression, lack of confidence, or a haunting past.  Maybe it is fear that you aren't doing this "right".  Perhaps it's a troubled relationship in your life.  Regardless of what shape or color your baggage comes in, it all has one thing in common:  They are distractions that keep us from rising up and doing God's work.  We must come out of hiding and accept our divine appointment.

Saul finally came out of hiding and Samuel declared him king.  The Bible continues and states that Samuel "told the people what the rights and duties of a king were.  He wrote them down on a scroll and placed it before the Lord." (I Samuel 10:25).  How awesome! God knew Saul needed help and handed him the tools needed to fulfill his calling.  He knew Saul could not do it on his own.

He loves mothers so much and does the same for us!  With our eyes on Him, He hands us the "scroll" and keeps our emotions in check.  We can't hide in our baggage if He is guiding us.

Come out of hiding!  God is waiting for us to let Him guide us.  We are not doing this on our own.  Leave the baggage behind and come and see that the Lord is good.

What does your baggage look like?

Hard-Copy Proof

My parents have rows of old home videos and tons of photo albums documenting things from the early days of their marriage, the birth and early days of both of their children, every school or sporting event, our graduations; the shelves in their family room are chock full of a lifetime of memories.  I love pulling out an album and seeing myself as a three year old looking down at my brand new brother home from the hospital, or an image of my family taking me to school on my very first day of Kindergarten.  There are videos of Christmas mornings, family vacations, and random days of play in the park.  I am so thankful to my parents for creating hard-copy proof of the life we have shared as a family.

My Christmas gift to my dad this past year was a VHS home video converted to a DVD.  This weekend we sat down to watch the DVD together, and a flood of memories came washing over me.  In this video, I had just turned six years old, my brother was three, and we were visiting various places in Europe.  We were stationed in Germany until I was almost seven, and seeing the images on this particular home video brought faint memories to mind:  our old apartment that overlooked two playgrounds, the smell of yeast in the air when we would pass by the German bakery, the quaint look of German buildings in cute little towns.  We laughed as we recalled the places we visited, the things we did as young children, and the way we looked in 1988. 

This 2 hour video made me feel very nostalgic and reflective.  The Psalmist David wrote in Psalms 144:4, "They (humans) are like a breath; their days are like a fleeting shadow." Life is but a vapor.  My children, ages 3 and 11 months, will not be these tender ages forever.  What am I doing to document these precious days?  

I grow sad as I realize that I do not have rows of home videos or shelves of photo albums.  In a day and age where the convenience of a camera or video lies at my fingertips, I have accepted that keeping my memories on my Iphone is enough. I have hundreds of pictures and short videos on my phone of my boys, and I share images of our days on Instagram and Facebook, but I am not doing enough to preserve these priceless memories.  In the word's of Spiderman, my Iphone has become "my gift and my curse".  I love that I can snap a picture or record a short clip at a moment's notice, but I have found too much comfort in this technology that I am not "backing up" these little gems.  Technology doesn't last forever; phones get accidentally washed in washing machines, laptops crash, computers get viruses.  Social media sites, like MySpace, can become uncool overnight.  Am I willing to sacrifice all of those memories because I didn't bother to print pictures or format my videos? 

When I became a mom, exhaustion became a rite of passage.  It is easy to get wrapped up in day to day responsibilities, so much so that I forget to breath and take in the little things that I will one day miss.  This is why I have decided that I will do better about documenting milestones and daily life.  I want to remember the way Ruly's hair has a stubborn curl in the front of his hairline that just won't lay right.  I want to recall in the years to come Lincoln's sweet almost-toddler laugh as he plays "Peek-a-Boo" for the hundredth time.  I want to sit down with my boys when they are in their 30s and giggle as we watch a home video of our family trip in 2017.  I want to almost smell the sweet scent of baby lotion as I run my finger through an album of my children as infants.  I want to give my boys what my parents gave me:  hard-copy proof of our life together to remember our days that are like "a fleeting shadow".

How do you preserve your memories?

Mommy Needs a Siesta

     Anything worth doing takes hard work, dedication, and can be exhausting.  Motherhood has been no exception!  I learned this truth when I became a mother over three years ago. As I held my son for the very first time, I was overwhelmed by many emotions.  Love, joy, adoration....and a little bit of sheer terror.  I had no idea what I was in for!  This little 6 pound 11 ounce blessing came with no instruction manual, no how-to videos.  I was fully responsible for this little bundle; he was all ours.
     I discovered very quickly that being a mom required a lot of "on the job" training.  Any shred of confidence I had disappeared the moment we brought baby home.  I had read books, talked to other mothers, gone to the prenatal and parenting classes. Still, I felt so inadequate at this grand task. And absolutely nothing prepared me for the exhaustion I felt!  I didn't really believe that babies woke up every two hours to eat; who knew?
     As I continue on this wonderful, and oftentimes tiring journey, I realize that there are other mothers out there going through the same experiences and would benefit from someone telling them:  "I know how you feel!  You are doing a great job...hang in there!"  This is why I decided to start blogging. My wish is to be very transparent; I want mothers to read my posts and feel encouraged that you are not alone!  I wish to create a community of mothers that support and love on each other, holding up a mirror to our face so that we can see ourselves the way God sees us.
    On those seemingly endless days full of diapering, cleaning, breaking up fights, and feeling like all you need is a little siesta to make it all better, let this be your mantra:

"So let's not get tired of doing what is good.  At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:9